Hogwarts' Scrooge
by Un Petit Diable
Summary: [one shot] Snape hates Christmas so Dumbledore arranges for three spirits to help him get into the Holiday mood [based on A Christmas Carol]


**Title: Hogwarts' Scrooge  
****Rated: PG  
****Category: One Shot  
****Genre: Humor/ Parody**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of J.K. Rowling's creations or _A_ _Christmas Carol_.**

Severus Snape loathed Christmas. It was the time of the year -no matter what he tried- all the little brats at Hogwarts were painfully cheery and happy, even his precious Slytherins, but mostly those hyper, little Hufflepuffs. This was the reason he was headed to bed early on Christmas Eve.

Unfortunately for Snape, sleep was something he was not going to get. After all, Albus Dumbledore made sure there were no Scrooges at Hogwarts _-ever_.

Snape tumbled around his bed uncomfortably. Something was definitely wrong. He woke up slowly to see that his chamber was done in Christmas colours and a chirpy Headmaster was standing in front of him. 'Lemon drop?'

'Headmaster?' Snape asked suddenly, becoming fully alert. 'What the hell did you do to my precious dark and gloomy room?'

'I made it less dark and gloomy,' Dumbledore said cheerfully. 'So by the time you wake up, you'll be a little bit more cheerful and your reputation as the miserable, old, slime-ball of Hogwarts may decrease -a little.'

'Jeez, thanks,' he replied sarcastically.

'Well, if you have no more questions, I'm just here to tell you that you'll be visited by three spirits who'll try to get you into the Christmas mood,' the Headmaster explained.

'And what if I don't want to participate,' the Head of Slytherin challenged.

'Participation is mandatory, and if you don't, you won't get paid during the break,' Dumbledore answered.

Snape jumped out of his bed. 'You can't do that old man!'

'Yes, I can. I'm the Headmaster,' he said. 'Now if you don't mind, I'm needed at this party with some fabulous treats.' With that he was gone.

* * *

Snape tried to ignore Dumbledore's message and returned to sleep, but he was once again woken by the toll of the clock at one o'clock in the morning – and someone's awful swearing. There was also the fact that the person had him by the collar and was shaking him maniacally.

'Stupid, little moron! If I had my way, I'd kill you right now!' the person muttered. 'No one spies on my family and sells us out to Voldemort. Keep making my son's life miserable and you won't live to see another Christmas. You stupid, son of a bit-'

'Alright, alright!' Snape woke up with a jerk, tossing the person off with a thud. He looked down to see a mop of messy, black hair. The person was wearing red and gold Quidditch robes. He stood up and wiped his glasses and put them back on before his hazel eyes.

'I'm the ghost of Christmas past, yady, yady, yadah. You know how it goes, so hurry up,' the spirit motioned towards him.

'Potter?' Snape asked disbelievingly. There in front of him stood his worst nemesis, James Potter.

'Yeah, yeah, I wanted to come back and haunt you as a distraught ghost, but this will have to do,' James said waving his hand. Before Snape could say anything, a gust of wind lifted him up and he was flying through the school –without a broom- with James Potter at the lead.

'Frankly, I wanted to see your childhood Christmas at your home but Dumbledore wouldn't give me the information for it, so we'll go back to one of the good old days.' James led him to the Great Hall of the past. 'Your first Christmas at Hogwarts.'

He slowly opened the door to the Great Hall. Snape took in the sight, remembering that Christmas fully well. He narrowed his eyes and glared at James. Like that sight was going to make him enjoy this pointless holiday.

There in the middle of the Great Hall stood an eleven-year-old Snape. He was decorated like a Christmas tree. He was covered in green paint, wrapped in blinking Christmas lights, covered in silver and gold streamers, had two red ornaments hanging from his ears, and there was a huge golden star on his head.

'That was one of the worst Christmas ever,' the older Snape growled at James.

'What are you talking about?' he asked through a stifle of laughter. 'That was the best Christmas ever –actually the second best. The first would have to be my one and only Christmas with Harry,' he said with a slight sob. 'Actually, make it the third best. The second best is seventh year –my first Christmas with Lily.'

Snape rolled his eyes. 'If you don't mind, you lovesick buffoon, I'd like to go to bed and get over with the torment from the other two idiotic spirits.'

James shrugged. 'Fine with me.' With a wave of his hand, he was gone and Snape was back in bed.

* * *

At the strike of two, Snape was woken by a loud howl –followed by some choking coughs. 'Oi, wake up already, I have my own Christmas to celebrate!'

Snape looked to see a younger Remus Lupin munching on a chicken sandwich. 'Why are you a spirit? Did you die in your sleep?' he asked hopefully.

'Haha, you wish,' Remus rolled his eyes. 'Lily didn't want the job so I got stuck with it. It pays well though, but hurry up. Oh yeah, I'm the ghost of Christmas present. I don't have one for you though. You've been a very naughty boy.'

'Shut up, Lupin, and let's get this over with,' he muttered grumpily, getting out of bed for the third time.

'Whatever, touch my robe,' Remus instructed. Ah, yes, younger Remus was much more vocal than his older self. 'I can't believe Dumbledore didn't allow me to change that part. Now I'll have to wash it before laundry day!'

As soon as Snape touched his robe, they were transported to Number 4 Private drive. 'I don't live here; why are we here?' he asked.

'Look,' the werewolf pointed through a window, 'there's baby Harry, all alone and neglected by his relatives on Christmas Eve.' He sniffled, wiped a tear from his eyes, and snapped his fingers before Snape could say anything.

They were back at Hogwarts but in the present day Gryffindor common room. 'This is Christmas now,' Remus pointed to Harry, who was –GASP- doing homework! 'It's better, but he has so much stress from Voldemort and you're adding crap to it, too! Who does homework on Christmas Eve?'

Snape found it amusing though, 'If I have to have a miserable Christmas then the offspring of James and Lily Potter will have it with me. MWHAHAHAHA!'

'Evil,' Remus said coldly and unbelievingly before dropping Snape off.

* * *

Being awoken by the third spirit was the worst. He didn't yell or make annoying sounds like the other spirits. He didn't make any sounds at all. He decided to spill icy, cold water all over Snape.

'You little-' Snape woke up shivering. He couldn't finish his sentence because he choked on the water in his mouth.

He looked to see the third spirit. He was wearing flowing dark robes much like his, except it had dark, red linings on it, a more haunted aura, and didn't make him look like an over-grown bat. 'Figures, Black,' he spoke with acidy distaste. 'Aren't you supposed to be wearing a hood?'

'Why?' Sirius asked. 'I have nothing to hide. Who'd want to keep this gorgeous face from the world? Now hurry up and follow me. I'm the ghost of the Christmas Future.'

'You mean the Christmas Yet to Come,' Snape corrected with smirk.

'Nah, Future's easier to say,' and with a snap of his fingers the two were at a graveyard.

They saw the Weasleys there with Hermione. She and Ron placed some flowers on a grave with tears before they all left. Sirius led Snape to the grave. 'See what your traitorous ways have done. You piece of shit -thanks to you, Harry's dead! Wasn't it enough to see me dead, you moron! My poor, poor godson,' he sobbed.

'Potter's dead? Yes!' Snape did a little jig.

'Dude, that means you're Voldemort's slave for life,' Sirius pointed out.

Snape froze and dropped down to his knees. 'NOOOOOOOOOOO!'

'Oh yeah, that reminds me,' Sirius pointed at another grave, 'because you're a Death Eater, they had to hunt you down and kill you.'

Snape's eyes were wide open as he gave out a piercing cry –while Sirius laughed like a maniac. Snape fell off his bed with a thud, all tangled up in his sheets. 'I hate Christmas,' he muttered as soon as he got himself freed.

* * *

On Christmas morning, Dumbledore spotted Snape walking down the Halls grumbling to himself. 'Merry Christmas, Severus,' he greeted.

'Ba humbug,' Snape replied grumpily.


End file.
